Brown Eyed Girl Revised
Brown Eyed Girl(Van Morrison, Buxton Opera House, February 8th 2002)Van Morrison sings, 'It's all in the game'.Though older now, sharp suit and trilby hatDisguise the fact he's bald and getting...
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Mr Wickes...Why such poor meter?And what about the rhyme "drove" / "above"?Cheers, Crispin
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I very much enjoyed this wistful poem, Alan, with the evocative echo in the close.I agree with Crispin that you need to give some attention to the metre and the forced stresses.Personally I like the...
View ArticleRe: Brown Eyed Girl Revised
I suppose if we can forgive Keats his use of the dubious rhymes: luxuriously/high, loves/coves, and misfeature/nature in his sonnet "The Human Seasons", we can accept your drove/above Alan. Perhaps it...
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AW--I rather liked it, meter notwithstanding. I really don't know why some poems do just fine without being iambicized. This felt like a free verse poem that simply happened to be decasyllabic with...
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I broadly agree with Mike's comment.There's force and feeling in this poem, and it could be lost with iambicisation.To me it's really the forced stresses that need attention (like headstrong in L8: I...
View ArticleRe: Brown Eyed Girl Revised
Interesting discussion.I'd say: If IP has to go, in this case - it should go all the way. Then the lack of metre isn't the problem - no: its impeccable presence in several verse. You can't expect the...
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Hi,I've been away from home for a few days, so have just checked the postingsThanks for all of your comments, I guess, Dutch, I do from time to time try to have it both ways, moving in and out of IP,...
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Alan,Nice poem. I had no problem with the "free" meter nor the rhyme -- I just read it straight through and enjoyed.My only critique is with the phrasing. First, one thing that bugged me was "though...
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Hi,Glad you enjoyed. Looking again at the octet, what you've spotted is not a failure of logic, but a failure of grammar. Take out the parenthetical phrase: (sharp suit and trilby hatDisguise the fact...
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Alan...re grammar, I think you can fix it with a period:"Though older now, sharp suit and trilby hat disguise the fact he's bald and getting fat.Like honey spiked with broken glass....."That gets rid...
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Hi,Thanks Leah, a neat solution gratefully received.Your kind words are also gratefully received. I'll leave it posted here, just to irritate the purists!cheersAlan
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